Dear “Red Sox Nation”,

I hesitate to use that term, because we all know “Red Sox Nation” is a term made up by the media. There is no such thing.

Check out that Ace Frehly, huh? Better than Ted Kennedy, that’s for sure.

Normally, I have people to do that for me but I was interested to see how you blue collar chumps would do in Anaheim. Even with your lucky win against the Angels on Saturday, you’re a game and a half behind the Yankees. With 155 games left, that’s a lead that A-Rod can ride until October and a World Series Ring.

Your bats are pallid. (I just bought a dictionary made from panda skin. Awesome, right?) Take a look at your batting averages:
Pedroia .158
Ortiz: .125
JD Drew: .091
Lowrie: .056
Green: .000

Big Daddy always told me big hitters win games. You don’t have what it takes. Well, maybe Papelbon does. But in 40 years, he’ll be making $30M a year and wearing pinstripes. Big Daddy knows baseball.

So I’d like to offer an alternative to this year’s paltry (this panda skin is SO soft!) Red Sox Team. Come on down to Steinbrenner Stadium and watch Joba pitch some LIGHTS OUT baseball. The guy is a born starter and a great human being too! The stadium has been paid for, (in part HAHA!!!), by the good people of New York! Make sure to thank them on your way in.

And please don’t mention last year’s team. We don’t acknowledge the 2008 season around here. It never happened. Also, A-Rod never dated Madonna. . . or took steroids. Neither did Clemens. At least not in pinstripes.

Remember, Boston: money doesn’t buy championships, but it sure does make you feel better watching the game on a 200″ OLED flat screen!!

Tickets are on sale now at Yankees.com! I have my eye on a penthouse suite over on Park. So get to it. If you mention my name, the normal Family Fun Pak price of $10,000 will get knocked down to $9500!

Go Yankees!

Love,

Hank